Tripping in Heels

Tomorrow I leave for vacation!  YES!!  FINALLY!!  And if we’re friends on Facebook, beware.  I’ve had to watch everyone check in at cool airports and post pictures of their awesome vacations ALL summer.  It is payback time, bitches…

But before the posts about how awesome my trip was I thought I’d share some random stories about my pregnancy.  My mood swings are crazy.  And here is the proof.

*  Late last spring on my way to school I passed a bunch of wildflowers blooming along the Texas highways.  I suddenly burst into tears because…nature is soooo beautiful…waaaaaa!!

*  Summer + being pregnant = HOT.  I am seriously like a damn oven.  All day my fingers are pulsing with heat and I feel like I’m going to combust.  But I’ve finally found a secret weapon.  I was in our little break room at work the other day guzzling ice water to try and cool down.  Then I heard the buzz.  The monotonous buzz of the coke machine’s refrigerator.  The very cold coke machine.  I pressed my body up against it and let out a sigh of relief.  I had found the holy grail of coolness.  I spend an insane amount of time now hiding in the break room hugging the coke machine.  I would be embarrassed, but it’s just so damn nice and cool.

*  When I have pregnancy hunger I can go from the sweetest person on earth to a raging bitch in mere seconds.  A few weeks ago my entire family met for brunch at a local taco joint.  I hadn’t eaten all morning.  As soon as everyone arrived, I raced to the counter and placed my order.  I came back to the table with some chips and queso to hold me over until my food arrived.  My mom pointed down the table and said “Natalie got chips and queso.”  I’m not sure why but I exploded at my whole family, screeching “These are mine!!  If you want some, order your own.”  They all looked at me horrified.  Apparently they weren’t trying to steal my food, but just pointing out that chips and queso were available to order.  I went into the bathroom and cried.  And then I came back and ate all of my chips and queso.

*  I normally wear heels to work.  I love them.  I work with mostly older women who constantly say things like “I don’t know how you wear those heels everyday” and “you’ll have to give those up eventually.”  Grr…they make me cranky.  Now that I’m pregnant it’s even worse.  For weeks and weeks they all kept telling me that I’d have to switch to flats soon.  I was determined to prove them wrong.  But my feet hurt and it’s so hot out and I don’t want to swell.  So I switched to flats.  And now EVERYONE keeps pointing to me and going “oh yeah, had to get rid of those heels!”  Just because I’m apparently a bitch I started telling everyone that I only switched to flats because my doctor made me and “I do what the doctors tell me.”  Apparently being pregnant also makes me a liar.

*  Craig and I were in Macy’s last weekend doing some shopping for our trip.  We were accosted about a thousand times by overly helpful salespeople.  I mean, it was ridiculous.  Over and over again with the can we help you and can I take that and can I get you something.  I do like attentive staff, but these people were like smiling aliens.  It was weird and totally annoying.  After spending over an hour in the store my calm mood had turned to twitchy anger.  I wanted OUT.  As we headed to the door with our bags, one last salesperson just had to speak up.  Craig was carrying his two bags and I was carrying my one bag.  The guy looks at us and says “why does he get two bags?”  For some reason I turned into a femi-nazi and barked back something about how I have to carry the BABY so I can only carry one bag.  Craig just looked at me and shook his head.  What??  How was I supposed to know the guy was just trying to say it wasn’t fair that Craig got more new stuff than me?

Okay, I have to end it there because my stories are getting worse and worse.  Wow, I am seriously crazy.  Watch out, Seattle, raging bitch from Texas is headed your way!!!