I have the Guilt. I was born with it. Every Catholic child grows up with it and becomes an adult filled with it. We learn how to turn it on others, but you never shake your own. There have been times in my life that it has consumed me, but none of those times has compared to being in law school.
I have never in my life been this busy. I am literally scheduled from 5:00 a.m. until around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. I am constantly walking fast, cursing traffic, rolling my eyes at slow people, and dragging baggage with me everywhere. I’m not looking for pity here, I’m just telling the truth.
I fall asleep at my desk at work and eat mostly cold food, but I still walk around in 3 inch heels every day and attempt to be a leader. I am tired and can honestly say that without certain medication I would be a lump of tears. I get up every day and go to work and school because I want to. This is the life I chose and I truly love it. I want a great future for my family and have the drive to push myself to be something great. But I know it hurts people along the way and I feel guilty for that.
At least once or twice a week I have a family member or friend tell me that I’m not around much. The funny thing is that I am around ALL THE TIME. I have thrown a bridal shower, a movie night, hosted family, gone to a family wedding, helped my parents move, and basically organized every family dinner that we’ve had the last few months.
My younger sister is always telling me that she hates it that I’m in school. She misses hanging out with me and I truly miss seeing her too. We used to hang out about every week. I know she isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, but she does. I had a night off school recently and told her that I wanted to spend it with her (even though sleep sounded amazing). We planned to go sit on a patio and sip red wine like the good days. Well, she sorta blew me off that day because she had just gotten home from travelling with work. I was okay with it, but it sorta pissed me off because she always makes SUCH a big deal about me being in school all the time. I don’t know why I even tried to plan something. I have enough going on!
Every little “we haven’t seen you in while” seems innocent enough by itself, but combined it’s like every family member and friend I’ve ever known turned into a giant guilt monster!! Even my mother-in-law is sending the “are you still there?” emails. I haven’t seen my in-laws in two months. I feel terrible because they are very nice people, but crap, I don’t have time. MY freaking family has taken over the last few months and a girl’s gotta sleep at some point!
I know once my brother’s wedding is over (3 more weeks!) life will calm down. Or at least the family guilt will subside a bit. I will have finals to deal with though. And I’m already getting the “oh, you’re not coming with us to New Braunfels for Thanksgiving?” stuff. No!! I have class, work, and finals! I swear these people want me to fail out of school or something.
Having a close family is amazing. I love my huge, crazy family. But damn, lay off. I have like a million years left in school and I would love to get through it in one piece! Back off, GUILT.