I’ve been tired for three years. Ever since I started law school I’ve lumbered through the week, dragging ass, and becoming a zombie on Fridays. It’s like reeeaaal attractive. But before Max, I could catch up on sleep over the weekend, and when I shut my eyes at the end of the day they wouldn’t open until my alarm went off…or after I sleepily hit snooze forty-two thousand times. But with bebe…I’m like at a whole new level of tired. Like psychedelic tired. And I officially have Mom Brain.
I hate phrases like that because they make women seem inferior. Like we are moms and therefore stupid. But yall, I AM stupid. Like du-uh-umb. Sometimes I lose my train of thought in the middle of talking. I trail off like some sort of stoner. And the other day I tried to put my car in reverse before turning it on. The key was still in my bag. It’s sort of funny, but like sad at the same time. I feel alert when I’m driving and I haven’t fallen asleep while watching Max or anything, but I make stupid little errors that bug the crap out of me.
I’ve been making mistakes at work too. I screwed up on something that I totally should have caught and almost wasted thousands of dollars. Luckily I was able to fix it, but the stress kept me up at night. And believe me I am already up at night with Max so I don’t need work stress to keep me up too. Earlier this week I decided to get organized at work. I thought if I cleared off my desk and made a rockin’ to do list I would be able to wrap my head around everything and see a little clearer. And then I tried to pay an invoice where we had a credit listed, not an amount due, and threw out a document my boss had marked up for me to use on a project. Gah, I was so embarrassed. I feel like people are just shaking their heads at me wondering if I can really handle it all. At this point I am clearly not handling it all, but I will get it together…eventually.
I’m on a break from school…I believe they call it summer break. Whatever, I haven’t had a “summer break” since 1997 but I ain’t complainin’ about not having to go to class. Anyways, so I’ve decided to clean out my house. Max has already outgrown two full boxes of clothes and lots of the early bassinet, play mat kind of stuff so it all needs to go somewhere…else. I want to get the house cleaned out and put together so I can focus again. I’m hoping that with an organized home and a new study spot for me in the master bedroom I can better prepare for that pesky bar exam thang. Right now my study area is right off the TV room and well, I can’t possibly study when there is a Honey Boo Boo marathon on TV. I will be really embarrassed if I fail the bar exam because I could only focus on trashy TV shows. So I’ve decided to turn my current study into a playroom for Max.
And I’m making his playroom everything I would have wanted in a cool creative space for me (because it’s all about ME apparently). I’ve already bought him an incredible reading chair. It’s an exact replica of the 1950′s egg chair. I LOVE it. I’m going to add book cases and toy storage and eventually a little table where he can draw or run Matchbox cars all over. I’m a big fan of kids’ stuff staying out of the adult rooms so I’m hoping this playroom will help with that. Although I realize at 8 months old he’s not really into reading, crafts or playing by himself! Maybe I should focus more on baby-proofing our house of glass tables and breakable stuff, but designing a playroom is waaaaay more fun.
Hopefully with all of this organizing I will find my way out of the fog of doing too much on too little sleep. I know being a mom means never getting rest, but it’s hard to actually prepare yourself for that. Although, going to law school and working full time was a good start. I give all of you other moms credit. The job is tiring on the brain. But damn, it’s awesome too.